The Isiahs

We here at the Official Scorers felt that it was vitally important to acknowledge the sheer lack of intelligence that is so pervasive in the sports world. After much debate as to how to go about this, Josh had a breakthrough: How better to pay homage to sports idiocy than through the best current example? Therefore, we have created a scale with which to rate sports-related stupidity. The scale is in terms of a man whose levels of ineptitude are so great that he ran the CBA right into the ground. That’s right, we’re talking about the man who destroyed the Toronto Raptors. None other than the man who has ruined one of the NBA’s most beloved franchises… both as their president and as their head coach… no easy feat, I assure you. Ladies and Gentlemen, The Official Scorers are proud to present The Isiahs:

David Stern:

There is no love lost between the city of Seattle and the commissioner of the NBA. His duplicitous dealings pertaining to the Sonics leaving Seattle are downright sleazy. He helped billionaire Clay Bennett in his attempts to blackmail the Seattle legislature into approving public funding for a five-hundred million dollar arena to replace the perfectly functional Key Arena in which the Sonics currently play. Despite Seattle’s deep love for the one professional sports team to bring home a championship (1979), the city refused to be blackmailed. Good for them! Professional sports teams are among the most profitable business models in the United States. They are owned by billionaires and multi-national corporations. Why the hell should the fans that pay for the tickets, pay for the merchandising and root for the teams have to buy them a place to play when they already have one?! It is deplorable. But we expect this kind of thing from scumbags like Bennett. But for David Stern to allow him to move the Sonics to his hometown of Oklahoma City (and we all know what a major cash cow that market is for sports teams), that is just plain despicable.

2 Isiahs

Jose Canseco:

The 1988 American League MVP has cemented his legacy… as one of the biggest douchebag crybabies of all time. This is a man who made it clear that he wrote his first book Juiced because he was pissed off that he was unable to find a team to play for at the end of his career because he was the poster boy for steroids. So he decided to throw under the bus anyone he knew to be juicing. Fine. We get it. We don’t approve, but we get it. Now its three years later, the backlash from his book has played its course and the spotlight is no longer on his diva-ness. So what does he do? He spends six months telling anyone who will listen that “he has plenty of shit on A-Rod”. Then he releases another book naming more names and unveiling the “shit” he has on A-Rod. It turns out that the big scandal is that Canseco once introduced A-Rod to a man who happened to have sold steroids. Well, duh! We imagine it would be damn near impossible to be introduced to anyone at Canseco’s barbeques that didn’t use or sell ‘roids! Oh. Right, did we mention that apparently A-Rod also hit on Canseco’s wife while they were still married? (Have you seen his ex-wife? Can you blame him?) And did we mention that Canseco has publicly said that because of this he “fucking hates A-Rod”. Here, enjoy one of our all time favorite bloopers:



3.5 Isiahs

James Dolan:

As Josh mentioned in his AL East Preview, James Dolan is the second worst owner in professional sports. We simply don’t have the time or space to properly list all of his transgressions, but lets name a few. He gave Allan Houston a six year, one hundred million dollar contract in 2001 when no other team had offered him even seventy-five. He paid Larry Brown approximately twenty-eight million dollars (between salary and buyout) to coach the Knicks for one season to a 23-59 record. He made Isiah Thomas, a man whose professional accomplishments (as mentioned above) included destroying the CBA and the Toronto Raptors, the General Manager and President of Basketball Operations. Since Thomas became the GM on December 22, 2003 the Knicks are a staggering one hundred games under .500 (133-233 including playoffs). They have zero playoff victories. This, combined with his stellar 131-115 record (and three first round exits) as the Pacers’ head coach between 2000 and 2003 made him the obvious candidate to take over as head coach (in addition to keeping his position as GM) after the Brown debacle. Finally, after Isiah’s adolescent-style sexual harassment cost Dolan eleven and a half million dollars in damages, Dolan reiterated (as he has many times) that Isiah’s job is 100% secure.

4.5 Isiahs

Isiah Thomas:

The man himself… where to begin? Since his complete and utter ineptitude at everything that isn’t the actual playing of basketball has already been well documented in this inaugural presentation of the Isiahs, we will just ask the one question that has been eating away at us for the past five years: What the hell does Isiah Thomas have on James Dolan?!? Is it photographic evidence that Dolan murdered a hooker? Proof that he flew to Thailand on the company dime to have sex with a twelve year old boy? Evidence that he owns a sweatshop? Is Isiah holding Dolan’s family hostage? There has to be some blackmail involved here, right? Nothing else makes sense! Isiah runs the team into the ground as general manager, making sure the team has no cap space for the next five years, making horrible trades (including trading away desperately needed first round picks!) and horrible signings and Dolan announces that his job is safe. The 2005-2006 team had the league’s highest payroll at one-hundred thirty million dollars and finished dead last in the East at 23-59 and Dolan not only announces that his job is safe, but that Isiah will be taking over the coaching duties for the following season! Isiah costs the organization eleven and a half million dollars because of his sexual harassment suit and Dolan announces that his job is safe. Droves of fans begin chanting “Fire Isiah” at games, selling “Fire Isiah" merchandise outside the Garden and Dolan announces that his job is safe. Donnie Walsh is hired to replace Isiah as President of Basketball Operations and Dolan announces that Isiah’s job as head coach (where he currently sports a 53-103 record in most of two seasons) is still not in jeopardy. What the hell does a guy have to do to get fired under Dolan? We can reach no conclusion except that somewhere in a safe deposit box owned by Isiah Thomas, there is blackmail material that is so terrible, so damning, so inflammatory, that James Dolan cannot fire him for fear of shame, reprisal or perhaps even prosecution.

A Perfect 5